it's just life

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about life lately. I cringe when I type that because it sounds so generic and cliché. It’s vague and could mean almost anything but it’s true. I’m not sure if it’s age or just me that’s lately brought a sort of increased consciousness to everything around me but, these days, I can’t live a day without thinking about what it means.

I’m trying to change. And I guess by that, I mean grow. I want advancement out of old ways and old thinking. I want to break free from old patterns and adjust the lens I view life from. I want to know what I want, be sure of what I want and be happy with what I want once I find it.

So I’ve started with trying to figure out just what it is I want. I suppose, like most people, I want a lot of things. I mean, ultimately, we all know it’s happiness (or however you define it) but what combination of things—what balance of people and experiences—brings happiness?

Life is meant for ups and downs, naturally – you really can’t have one without the other. But lately, my highs have been super sunny highs and my lows have been well, you know, low. I’d like to pull them a bit closer to each other. Sure, throughout life, I’ll go up and I’ll go down. But I don’t want to fly so high that I have to fall so hard.

I suppose the idea is getting to a place where you confidently handle the lows as moderately as you handle the highs. And if you’re viewing life from a place you feel sure of, accepting of, confident about and content with, then the ebbs and flows will be easier currents to endure.

My early adult life, so far, has been wrought with confusion, uncertainty and a lack of confidence. Such has led me to stay in relationships better off left, deny myself experiences that I’d been better off experiencing and block myself from understanding there’s a better way to live.

But I’m making it sound worse than it is. Course I’m leaving out all the good stuff (you wouldn’t want that whole chapter right now anyway). Life has been good to me, really, it has. And, primarily, because I believe it has. Indeed, it’s what you make of it or, better put, how you see it. And being somewhat of an optimist, I like it.

It’s just that lately, I question a lot more, I feel a lot more, maybe too much. It’s just one small lifetime really. From afar, it’s pretty basic and it will end, as with everything and everyone. Sometimes the end doesn’t feel so far off; other times I feel I have eons to work with. And then there’s the thought that something comes after … but who knows really.

I guess, like most, I like to think of it as all one giant learning experience. That I will forever grow and learn. That each year will bring a new lesson. And I will keep myself open to everything new to me and somehow that will keep me fulfilled. And life’s small revelations will keep me entertaining and understanding life on higher levels—and feeling happy because of it. Maybe.